When the weather forecast is bleak for the entire region and your husband suggests leaving the city to go to your summer home/getaway/relatives wherever in the country, just smile and say "No thanks dear, I'd rather walk on my lips."
Bleak weather in the city is fine. You can still run, drive whatever to the nearest civilized shopping area or entertainment source. When trapped in the bowels of Far Upstate (or as I call it F.U.), this is just a fantasy in your little city girl head.
Here is a gleaming example of what happens in F.U. country:
I needed a few things from the grocery store, Peppers, Eggs, Hamburger Rolls, and Bread. Now I was keeping my expectations low about finding low-fat, whole grain, cage free, organic etc... I was just hoping to find the actual items together in one store.
No such luck folks.
Four Items = Five Stores ("store" is a stretch for these places)
Store Number 1 - The first place we went to had none of the items even though it had a sign designating it as a grocery store. It did however have large quantities of the following items:
- Customers who looked like they were desperately out of cigarettes or heroin with misspelled tats covering things I did NOT want to see.
- Beer
- Styrofoam coolers (yes they still exist)
- Ice
- Bait, in the same cooling unit as tomatoes
- AND as announced in all Caps by the sign on the cash register
PREGNANCY TEST KITS
I fled with a child in each hand saying under my breath; do not touch your faces or anything else until we get you some hand sanitizer so you can bathe in it.
Store Number 2 - We proceeded to a grocer claiming to have organic items. I was able to secure the peppers, a red onion and a few plums for about $300.00 give or take. The prices were so high I thought I'd bought magic produce and debated changing my name to Jack then planting them in hopes of finding a golden goose. Not a stitch of bread in the place though. Not one crumb; as if the grinch had been there before me and took the last morsel of the Whoo feast. As for eggs, there was not even a dairy section; enough said.
Store Number 3 - Closed by order of blah blah blah ... health code violations!!!! Oh for the love of God! I am now frightened and I just want to go home and I mean my real home in Rockland County. I am about to have a panic attack when I become acutely aware that my children are with me and they are staring at the dead animal in the vehicle next to me. Now I did not know this prior to the dead animal incident but my SUV will "burn rubber" when needed.
Focus! Rolls and bread and eggs! Oh My! Rolls and bread and eggs! Oh My!
Store Number 4 - a small Italian bakery. Praise the Lord! The bakery was great but the clientele....I was in fear for my life. I have always had a theory about rednecks; Rednecks do not kill you, they keep you. Bread and rolls - Secured! Heart Attack - Survived!
Store Number 5 - - I finally stoop to stopping at a gas station convenience store for eggs. The aisles are small and the patrons are smelly but I persevere and get my dozen.
NOW RUN!
So my friends, stay home, go to Jane's have a latte or one of the famous iced teas at Jane on Main and avoid the F.U. experience.
---- ---- Cocoa from the flowerhouse
